I mean, just take a look at some of these beauties...
1) LUXURY TRAVEL MAKES YOU SEXY. YOU GLOBE-TROTTING-SEX-KITTEN, YOU!
Also, staying at this hotel will totally make it okay to ride a Vespa while wearing peep-toe pumps and a cocktail dress. Bonus points for the vintage helmet and riding glasses. Look at all the men in the lobby grooving on my traveling-single-white-girl-rides-a-motocicleta vibe!
2) TEXAN MEN ARE THE NATURAL CHOICE FOR BEEFING-UP ITALIAN COLOGNE ADS
Real men wear DOLCE & GABBANA. They also lounge about with unbuttoned shirts & perfectly man-scaped chests. Mmm. Must buy. Mmm Matthew McConaughey, y'all.
3) SPA RESORTS ARE WARM, WELCOMING PLACES...LIKE VAGINAS
Cause what's sexier than overtly suggesting that your luxury hotel and spa is like a vagina? Also, spa vacations get you laid.
...and speaking of spas...
4) ANCIENT CIVILIZATIONS ARE THE BEST PLACES FOR SEAWEED WRAPS!
You know, like, um Egypt--where they're totally having a revolution?
5) HAVING MONEY MEANS YOU CAN CHOOSE YOUR OWN REALITY
I choose the India without the pesky poverty, please-and-thank-you! SUCH a bummer.
6) REAL RELAXATION HAPPENS IN A PASTRY-SHAPED CABANA
Celebrity Cruises: Relax inside of a cupcake. I hear Beyonce is doing it.
7) TRAVELING TO CANADA MAY CAUSE FIERCE FLATULENCE
Toronto: the break-windy city. Blame it on the duck fat.
8) IT'S TOTALLY SAFE TO SNAP PICS OF CHEETAHS FROM AN EXPOSED VEHICLE
You too can lay on top of one of God's slain creatures. Cox & King's African Safaris, since 1940.
9) FOR A PRICE YOU CAN RELIVE YOUR DAYS AS A ZYGOTE
Return to the womb for five days and four nights. Oh, and enjoy Mexico.
10) HAVING MONEY MEANS YOU DON'T NEED REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
This would be funny if the tag line wasn't at least partially serious: clairvoyance is a job requirement. I mean, at least they're honest right? I can think of several jobs over the course of my adult life that should've had this in the job ad somewhere above or below "proficient in Microsoft Office."
11) IF YOUR LIFE IS MISERABLE, ALCOHOL IS THE ANSWER.
If all of this bread-winning-luxury doesn't fill you up or support real human intimacy, you can always drink yourself into a stupor.
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